Guten tag Große Spammen!
Your favorite lederhosen-clad lad is back in your inbox after a quick weekend trip to Cologne, Germany.
What did I get up to? Just the usual. I ate vegan currywurst, drank endless tiny Kölsch beers, and got educated on the dangers of our modern cyberverse by an angry German bread being.
What?
What do you usually do when you get back to your hotel room, completely exhausted after a long day of exploring the city?
Well, the white wine in my belly had a simple answer: flick mindlessly through German television channels.
So do I speak German? No. Do I understand tiny bits of it? Maybe. Could I have just acted like a normal human and gone on my phone instead? Yes… but I didn’t.
After flashes of poorly dubbed shows and intense shopping channels, I saw something that made my heart skip: a humongous sentient breadman.
From the little I could gather, it seemed like the bread was being forced to create a social media profile by a cold-hearted AI assistant.
Once the bread is ‘online,’ an onslaught of social media messages bombard the cursed being, even though it didn’t want anything to do with it in the first place.
Then my inebriated mind was blown further when a real human dressed like Groucho Marx entered the frame, adding to the bread’s woes somehow. What was I watching?
Bread in peril
It went on. Mr. Breadman seemingly got canceled. After that, the loaf dude got blackmailed by the AI? Which had incriminating photos of it? And then the AI falls in love with another mischievous AI? Hold on… did they just go full Tron and race on bikes and die?!
This turbulent cinematic masterpiece left me drained, numbed, but… also freakily curious? What else did German kid’s TV have in store for me?
Turns out, the exact same video looped all night. Like a digital flytrap for unsuspecting deutsche kinder.
And now, my dear Spammers, I’ve got a gift for you. My sweet investigative skills (dm-ing my German friend) uncovered the hauntingly beautiful perils of the hauntingly beautiful tale of breadman in the cyberverse — with English subtitles.
You can watch it here. Viewer discretion is advised.
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