Hey Spam Fam,
It's Tom, and this week I've decided to become a tech baron. I'll miss edutaining my millions of loyal readers, but Silicon Valley (and my wallet) need my help.
I don't expect it to be easy, so I've created a checklist to help me fulfill my ambition.
1. Develop a signature look
Tech barons aren't renowned as style icons, but their dress sense conceals an important message: we are just like you.
2. Marry a childhood sweetheart/celebrity
They say that behind every great tech lord there's a great partner.
I plan to copy Elon Musk's strategy and marry a glamorous celebrity who can compensate for my lack of charisma.
My representatives will be contacting Kim Kardashian's people to discuss the conjugal arrangements.
3. Take up a narcissistic hobby that's presented as serving humanity
It seems like every tech titan is obsessed with going to space. Not for themselves, of course, but to save planet Earth.
I'd prefer to copy the idea of
Muammar Gaddafi's son: secure myself a spot on a top football team. As for the altruistic aspect (yawn), I'll buy Lionel Messi back. Not because he's my favorite player of course; it's all for the kidz.
4. Create a questionable charity
Tech titans aren't interested in money, power, and women; we want to make the world a better place. Our philanthropic initiatives give this claim a veneer of plausibility.
My idea is to team up with
the vampire Peter Thiel and create a life-extension charity that injects aging billionaires with the blood of children.
5. Disrupt something
Most importantly of all, a tech God needs to develop (
or steal) a disruptive product.
My ingenious idea is to build a brain-computer interface that's connected to all your electronic devices. The headband will flag neurological signals that indicate your(/my) desires. It will then pick your(/my) choice of movie, music, dinner before you even realized you wanted it.
You can do it, too
Life is lonely at the top, so I've created a handy meme to help you join me in the tech pantheon.
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You are welcome. We can discuss our plans for world domination at next year's Sun Valley conference.
